The Gym is the World's Dumbest Circus
Cirque des Stupides
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For this piece I'm going to indulge in a bit of venting and axe-grinding, but I will endeavor to make it worth your time by illustrating what is wrong with the mechanics of these absurd exercises with particular attention the center of gravity and base of support.
Bosu-Ball Bicep Curl—The World's Lamest Circus Trick
I don't see this one as often lately, but it was the only way to do bicep curls from about 2005-2015. Regular bicep curls were for lazy people. Elderly people fall a lot, so lets get them on a Bosu Ball and make them juggle a couple dumbbells so they'll never ever fall down again! Standing on the ball is too easy? Stand on the Bosu on one leg! Flip the thing upside down and stand on it that way!
The marketing of the Bosu Ball was relentless and would have made Don Draper proud—tell everyone that they suffer from a problem they didn't know they had (instability and lack of balance) and sell them the solution.
This isn't necessarily a condemnation of the device itself. It's just a tool, and the usefulness of any tool depends on the skill and intention of the user. Once you make a thing and put it out into the world people are bound to do all sorts of stupid shit with it.
But bicep curls on a Bosu or other “instability device” are a great example of how our body reacts to an unstable Base of Support.
The promise of performing resistance exercises on a $128 instability device is that you get more output for your time and energy spent at the gym. Not only are you working on your biceps (supposedly a pure vanity exercise), but you're also challenging your “core” and training your balance (supposedly not for vanity but for health and injury prevention).
The flaw in this logic is that our body's response to stimulus is very specific. And because we are wired to prioritize balance over all other concerns, the challenge to our biceps will be minimal. Executing a bicep curl with an unstable Base of Support requires us to reduce the load—either by reducing the weight or compensating by shortening the moment to the axis (cheating). Without sufficient challenge the biceps will not be stimulated enough to grow stronger.
Another flaw in this logic is the assertion that balance has anything to do with the “core.” “Core” is a hazy definition used by people who don't know anatomy or mechanics. Balance has very little to do with our core and everything to do with our feet and ankles.
Obsessing over our abs makes us vain, but if we obsess over our core that make us conscious of our well-being. It elevates us physically and spiritually. People who talk about their “core” also talk about “self-care.”
Don't kid yourself—it's all vanity. Embrace it.
Planck Cable Row
This isn't a real exercise, just a name I made up for something I saw a trainer make their client do at my gym one morning, and now the poor girl does it on her own every time I see her.
I'll make an attempt to describe it; imagine performing a standard plank in front of a cable machine. Our head is oriented toward the machine, and the cable pulley and handle are lowered to the floor.
Our trainer puts a yoga block on our upper back—because reasons. To keep our back straight? To add an extra three ounces of weight? Our trainer is a forniphelia freak and gets off on making us into human furniture?
In this position we lift our left foot off the floor, and with our right hand grab the cable. Our Base of Support shrinks from the large stable area between both our hands and feet to a diagonal line between our right foot and left hand.
Now we can begin the “exercise,” which consists of us trying to execute an indeterminate number of half-assed single arm rows while we struggle to keep our Center of Gravity over our diminished Base of Support. Really in this position they're more half-assed single arm pull-downs. But this is neither a rear deltoid exercise nor a lat exercise nor a core exercise nor a balance exercise.
Ultimately this is an exercise in futility and humiliation—making our trainer a sadistic perv.
Watching the poor girl do this “exercise” breaks my heart and my brain. It's like watching a friend pour money into a meme coin. You can't talk them out of it, you can only smile and shake your head as they get rekt.
I know intellectually that according to the Law of Conservation of Energy, it is impossible to waste energy. Energy is neither created nor destroyed. Energy is conserved.
But it sure as hell looks like she's spending $140 a month for her membership and another $120+ per hour training session to waste a whole lot of energy.
Since it's impossible to waste energy, I call these types of exercises “pointless exertions.” She's working every muscle in her body while simultaneously training nothing.
The saddest part is she clearly loves it. I could try to white knight it and mansplain to her how the only thing she's training for is performing the World's Most Boring Circus Trick, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't thank me for it.
